If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World

If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World

Dan Neuharth

Language: English

Pages: 272

ISBN: 0060929324

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


Do you sometimes feel as if you are living your life to please others? Do you give other people the benefit of the doubt but second-guess yourself? Do you struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, lack of confidence, emotional emptiness, or eating disorders? In your intimate relationships, have you found it difficult to get close without losing your sense of self?

If so, you may be among the fifteen million adults in the United States who were raised with unhealthy parental control. In this groundbreaking bestseller by accomplished family therapist Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., you'll discover whether your parents controlled eating, appearance, speech, decisions, feelings, social life, and other aspects of your childhood—and whether that control may underlie problems you still struggle with in adulthood. Packed with inspiring case studies and dozens of practical suggestions, this book shows you how to leave home emotionally so you can improve assertiveness, boundaries, and confidence, quiet you "inner critics," and bring more balance to your moods and relationships. Offering compassion, not blame, Dr. Neuharth helps you make peace with your past and avoid overcontrolling your children and other loved ones.

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expect our children to grow up and live in democracies when they have known only unhealthy control, not democratic ideals? Control and trust are diametrically opposed and inextricably linked. We control to the extent that we mistrust the world. When we trust the world, we can feel safe enough to let go of much of our need to control. Controlling parents, by and large, do not trust. Parental overcontrol is nearly always a generations-old cycle, in place well before you came along. Most

expect our children to grow up and live in democracies when they have known only unhealthy control, not democratic ideals? Control and trust are diametrically opposed and inextricably linked. We control to the extent that we mistrust the world. When we trust the world, we can feel safe enough to let go of much of our need to control. Controlling parents, by and large, do not trust. Parental overcontrol is nearly always a generations-old cycle, in place well before you came along. Most

gets too close, I run.” It’s difficult for Alex to laugh or relax and he finds physical contact uncomfortable, stiffening involuntarily when he is hugged. On the job, Alex is compulsive. “I hate getting phone calls on Friday afternoons at five because there is nothing I can do to take care of it until seven A.M. Monday. I want instant response, instant solutions,” he admits. Alex takes as little comfort from his career successes as he does from his financial ones: “I refuse to quit my job but I

By letting your feelings branch out, you’ll grow stronger. Emotions give you physical clues as to their identity. You may feel a pulsing in your ears as you get angry; a tightness across your jaw or chest when you are afraid; quickened or slowed breathing when you are worried. Use these “hints” to alert you to oncoming feelings so that you can attend to them rather than shutting them off. It’s also important to honor your sensitivity, especially if it was squashed or ridiculed by a controlling

compassion for yourself. Suggestions for Partners and Friends of Adults Raised in Controlling Families You have the right to block abusive behavior that partners or friends who grew up controlled direct at you. You can reject their behavior while letting them know you are not rejecting them as people. Your partners or friends may want you to agree with their viewpoints about their parents, but what they want even more is to feel validated. You don’t have to agree with their viewpoints,

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