After the Honeymoon: How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship-Revised Edition
Daniel B. Wile
Language: English
Pages: 312
ISBN: 0979563909
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
After the honeymoon. The very words carry a burden of sadness, as if for a short while we lived in a golden trance of love, and now we’ve been jolted awake. Immediately comes the thought, “Oh no! Is this the person I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with?” When choosing a partner, we are choosing, along with that person, a particular set of problems that we will be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or even fifty years. Dan Wile shows how to take advantage of the inevitable problems that occur in a relationship to deepen the sense of connection. Most of these problems result from feelings we are unable to express and conversations we are unable to have. We become angry because we are unable to confide feeling hurt. We become defensive because we are unable to confide feeling threatened. We become uncompromising because of the hidden compromises we are already making. Exposing these undercurrents can turn fights into intimate conversations.
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RELATIONSHIP 291 Chapter 20: It’s Not What You Do But What You Know 293 Preface After the honeymoon. The very words carry a burden of sadness, as if for a short while we lived in a golden trance of love, and now we’ve been jolted awake. The fog of early infatuation has lifted and we see our partners for who they are. Behavior that seemed cute now becomes annoying. “Does she have to smile that way all the time?” Differences that seemed minor now appear glaring. “Doesn’t he ever want to go
not that I didn’t want to be with you. I was just disappointed because we were doing something I thought you’d like. PAULA: (obviously with much effort and with another quick, sidelong glance at the trainer, tries to paraphrase what Jay just said) I hear you saying that you were disappointed that I didn’t enjoy the picnic. I don’t know why I didn’t. For some reason the idea of a picnic never hit me right. TRAINER: (speaking with emphasis because he now believes he has discovered the critical
and works part time as a nurse. James is a general contractor. On the way home from her job one day, Martha finds herself daydreaming about a vacation in Italy. Since she knows that James is worried about money and would immediately veto such a trip, she quickly dismisses the idea and, instead, thinks of getting tickets to an Italian opera. No, she thinks, he doesn’t like opera, so she dismisses this idea too and, instead, imagines them having dinner at an Italian restaurant. Oh, but it’s
worried about money, he has been wanting to suggest that Martha quit school and get a full-time job. He hasn’t suggested this, however, since he knows how important school is to her. He thinks it’s small-minded of him to begrudge her an education, and he doesn’t want to be seen as a man who stands in his wife’s way. So, instead, he’s considered making the more modest request of asking her to cut down on her expenses. But he doesn’t do this either. In the past when he’s asked Martha to spend less,
as if nothing has changed. Neither partner’s fantasies are getting fulfilled, and it looks like they’re not going to be. Each is too much in need of comfort to offer it to the other. But Joseph and Karen are doing something that partners rarely do. They are talking as if: • It’s okay to have outrageous, unfulfillable fantasies • It’s possible to talk about your fantasies without having to accuse your partner of not fulfilling them • It’s possible to listen to your partner’s fantasies without
